Will the Semi-Fabled Surrey Panther Become a Picnic Favourite?

28 October 2001, 13:37 GMT

In a recent issue of the UK magazine "Wildlife For All", it was reported that a bold conservation scheme has been introduced in the Surrey area to re-introduce wild creatures into the natural countryside. Foremost on their list are lions, tigers and koala bears.

Heading up the scheme is one Reggie Fahuka. Fahuka is quoted as saying: "With this new scheme, we're totally redefining what people thought was possible. Some people say 'Wild animals are dangerous.' We say: 'No they're not!' In zoos, you see signs saying 'Don't feed the animals.' We say: 'Sure, go right ahead!' With my scheme, we allow the animals to simply do whatever they prefer to do, totally at their own pace and level of agility."

In a separate quote, Fahuka was reported to have said: "This scheme has long been an ambition of mine. I'm so excited that it is finally happening. What I really wanted to do was to re-introduce the semi-fabled Surrey Panther into the area, ideally to observe its behaviour near small villages. However, I had a lot of trouble getting funding at first, and live panthers are surprisingly expensive to purchase, even on the Black Market. Of course, I could get plenty of panther-hide jackets if I wanted, but that wasn't really the direction I wanted my project to head in."

This sounded intriguing, so we tracked Reggie Fahuka down to speak with him further.

So what lead Fahuka onto lions, tigers and small furry bears?

"Well," he explained, "I just sat up in the bath one day, and had an absolute brainwave. I was so excited, I just jumped up out of my bath, ran outside, and hugged the first person I could find, which happened to be old Mrs Dorito from down the road."

Mrs Dorito is said to be "stable" following the shock.

"See, all over the country," he continued excitedly, "there are zoos and safari parks that are really struggling to stay open. People don't go to zoos anymore: no one trusts them these days, as everyone has been exposed to those Discovery Channel wildlife documentaries that show animals born free roaming around, happy as pie. Of course in real life it's not like that: these animals are really wandering around in enormous wildlife preserves, they just don't know it. But that's beside the point: no one goes to zoos anymore, so they are really struggling to pay for the upkeep of all these large animals. They need a lot of looking after, you know. So all I had to do was approach the zoo owners in the correct way, and offer to take their lions and tigers off their hands. If they have any panthers then so much the better, but so far I haven't had much luck on that score."

We were, of course, forced to wonder what good could come from releasing all these wild animals into the English countryside.

"Isn't it obvious?" Fahuka responded, sounding surprised. "Everyone loves safari parks, but no one likes to pay for them. This way, people will get to see all these lovely wild animals up close, for free! The only other option would be to travel all the way to Africa, and who can afford to do that!"

But aren't these animals dangerous?

"Well that's actually quite typical of the sort of reaction I've been getting. But you are forgetting that we're not just talking about ferocious animals here: I am also planning to release everyone's favourite real-live cuddly toy, the Australian Koala Bear. The kids will love them: lovely little things, scampering through Richmond Park, jumping onto peoples' car bonnets. Little tykes! Nothing dangerous about that at all."

So that's okay then. But what about the lions and tigers?

"Of course we will have to plant some eucalyptus trees to keep the koala bears happy. Honestly, once you've looked into the eyes of a cute little koala bear, all your troubles just melt away."

But mightn't people end up looking into the jaws of a big tiger instead?

"Oh, change the record! You seem to have fixated on one relatively minor issue that I'm sure can be worked around with a little thought and preparation. Well, granted there is a potential problem there, but I am convinced that given the correct time and concentration, which we are fully prepared to give, this like all other problems will be ironed out in good time. Anyway, I think people are pretty sensible these days. If they see a big vicious tiger bounding towards them, they will do the sensible thing and seek cover: get into a car, climb a tree, hide behind a bush, whatever's closest to hand. Really not a problem at all."

Well okaay, but I'm buying a big elephant gun just in case. What do you see as being the long-term effects of this experiment?

"I think the most exciting aspect of this project is the rejuvenating effect it will have on England's ecosystem, and of course on its flagging tourist industry."

Who'll worry about eating beef when they can be eaten by a lion instead?

"Exactly."

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