Bad Managers - The Rumour Mill

"I could do what he does," barks pint-puller

14 October 2001, 17:57 GMT

Michael Schumacher races home to victory in yesterday's climactic Japanese Grand Prix

Staffordshire-based pub owner Bernie Lamperer had just spent thirty seconds pouring the perfect Guinness pint, when he leaned toward his nervous-looking customer and rasped: "That Schumy, I could do what he does with both my hands tied behind my back."

Having just cruised to a convincing victory in the Japanese Grand Prix, and having clinched the Drivers Championship several races ago, Mr Schumacher is unlikely to be bothered just yet by Mr Lamperer's criticism.

However, as the euphoria of another victorious season begins to wear off, the cold sobriety of the dour Englishman's words will no doubt strike a chill in the German World Champion's heart.

In a World that seems all too keen to laud the proud champion and proclaim him as one of Formula One's greatest ever, hairy pint-puller Bernie Lamperer appears to be the sole voice of dissent - a single cry for sanity in a world gone mad.

The publican went on to explain that a couple of years ago, his daughter had purchased him a day's racing-car driving at the UK premier racing circuit, Silverstone - home of the slightly muddy British Grand Prix.

"I could have easily driven a full circuit, and I would have done it with my eyes closed, just relying on pure instinct and the feeling of the wind rushing at my face to tell me when those hairpin corners are approaching. I would have made that Schumacher feller look like a Sunday driver!"

The fact that his protruding beer belly had prevented him from fitting in the racing car's snug cockpit was just a technical issue, he went on to explain.

"Every driver is cursed by mechanical problems," he barked, grabbing the customer's money and dunking the change on a soggy beer mat. "Them modern cockpits was just my mechanical issue. But I'd like to see that Schumacher negotiate the M25 during a Monday morning rush hour. I'd be ahead of him in no time, weaving amongst the commuters, cutting up his flimsy little nose-cone with the speed and precision of a lithe, fearsome panther."