Bad Managers - The Rumour Mill

Project Planners to Employ Weighing Scales as Scope Measuring Device

25 March 2002, 17:37 GMT

An early prototype.

There have been many and varying ways of measuring the scope of a project: counting the lines of code (or expected number of lines), counting the number of functions, number of function points, number of pointed functions, and so on.

Yet with all this effort, project planning remains an art form rather than a science.

The biggest problem is that most functional specs tend to skip happily along the surface of the project that they are trying to define, weaseling their way out of commitment with phrases such as "for example", "etc" and "should include, at a minimum"...

"One-line phrases imply entire sub-systems..."

This makes it remarkably difficult (some would even say impossible) to predict exactly what is going to be in a project - especially when throwaway one-liner phrases can imply entire sub-systems that in themselves may take months to write.

This is why the industry has been crying out for a brand new way of measuring projects.

Researchers at Barnaby Melons Institute believe that they have formulated the perfect answer. Or have they merely brewed up the perfect storm?

Their solution is certainly controversial.

"We use a super-advanced atomic weighing device," BMI professor Timmy DuJour explained. "And it's because it's so advanced that it is so effective. It can measure particles weighing as little as one billionth of an ounce."

The implications of this new breakthrough are astounding: "Now we can measure software amazingly accurately, even before any code has been written."

But how exactly is a project weighed?

"He smiled proudly at this magical gesture"

"The process involves weighing a PC's monitor - not the hard disk, mind, but the monitor - because that's where all the words appear, after all. Anyway the monitor is weighed, and then the project's functional spec is loaded into the PC and displayed on the screen, usually in Microsoft Word 2000. We tried some other software packages, such as Lotus Notes and Vi running under Solaris, but discovered that Word simply gave us the most meaningful results. Then the monitor is weighed again, and the difference of course is the weight of the project. Hey presto!"

He waved his hands as if he was holding a wand, and smiled proudly at this magical gesture.

"Using this method, we have discovered that the average line of code weighs about 0.00001 of an ounce. And the average function weighs about 0.00010 of an ounce. From this, we can easily deduce that there are on average 10 lines of code to a function."

Some companies have now taken this breakthrough discovery to heart, and have mandated that their programmers must use exactly 10 lines for each function - no more, no less.

"Ten lines is the perfect function"

"Ten lines represents the perfect function," Lars Swergensen from Swedish softco Rugglesoft explained in a hastily arranged telephone interview. "Anything else just isn't perfection, therefore to us at least, isn't acceptable. Our competitors may choose to ignore this rule, but that is their lookout!"

"To us," colleague Larry Broad agreed, "this is a very good indicator of quality. Quality, which used to be defined as 'fitness for purpose', can now be much more accurately summed up as 'ten lines of code'."

"We are so glad that the science has been put back into software engineering," agreed a nearby crowd.