From the poison quill of our Trainee News Troll: The tension has been brewing steadily over the last few years, as tyre-torsoed managers become more and more defensive in their rock-solid belief that it is possible to say how long a project will take before you even know what it is about.

On the fourteenth of May this year, the tension finally erupted, manifesting itself in the form of a highly charged procession of over three hundred slightly wobbly middle managers, project managers and a pastiche of business analysts, all gathered from all over America. Some even flew in especially from Europe. It was decided from the outset that the procession would last for two hours. With this established, the route and itinerary were then thrashed out.

The self-appointed March Planning Committee agreed that the march would start at the remarkably un-square-like Times Square, make its way past the Empire State Building and take in the twin towers of the World Trade Center, before culminating in a triumphant boat ride past the Statue of Liberty.

At the march, an NY manager was quoted as saying, "All our projects are run this way. You see we have to do it this way round, because the first thing the customer always wants to know is how quickly can we do the project. If we tell them the truth - that we just don't know at this stage - then the customer will think we don't know what we are talking about."

But surely they could use the truth to prove they have a pragmatic approach based very much in reality?

"Well," he replied, "we tell ourselves that our selling point is quality consultancy. Our Intranet is jam-packed with documents lauding our fresh, original approach to consultancy and development methodologies - just like every other software company out there. But let's face it, time and again we sell ourselves on the basis that we can finish a project twice as fast as those jokers at EDS. And we truly believe that, oh yes we do."

At his side, a red-faced manager excitedly added: "All your project are belong to us, yeah!!!"

When questioned about whether any of these projects were actually finished in the timescale promised, the red-faced manager grabbed a broken bottle and brandished it in a way that would have been more menacing had he not been a 380lb blubber-butt who gets out of breath just from walking and talking at the same time.

Unfortunately the total march time, including the boat ride which had not been factored into the procession plan, totalled eighteen hours and thirty-two minutes, almost ten times the originally estimated timescale of "about 2 hours".

Most of the protestors were forced to abandon the march well before they would have reached the ferry terminal that was all set to take them on their trip past the Statue of Liberty. In fact, only three managers eventually reached the terminal. By this time it was well past 3am and the ferry captain had long since given up waiting and gone home.

However, the intrepid trio were determined not to be put off, and succeeded in hotwiring the dormant ferry. Cheering and hollering, they took the boat out into the bay, careering precariously as they gradually reached a common consensus that at least one of them needs to be at the helm at any one time.

Miraculously they cleared the dock and navigated by dead reckoning to Ellis Island. "It's all about blind faith," one of them laughed defiantly. "If you truly believe, then you'll get there in the end, planning or no planning."

The three managers joyously saluted the Statue of Liberty as the boat motored past, bobbing and swaying through the early morning sea mist. They brought out coffee and donuts, and toasted themselves to yet another successfully executed project, with the time marching on to 5am and the beginnings of a grey, misty dawn.

In unison they cheered and shouted: "Les projects shall set you free!" A police boat escorted the triumphant three back to the dock, and they were lead away in handcuffs, suddenly looking rather unsure of themselves.

Earlier, as the march leaders were approaching 34th Street, we caught up with and spoke to an Integrated Deliverables project manager from Wisconsin. We asked him if he really believed in The Cause.

"Let me give you an example," he offered. "I want to produce a corporate Intranet for a large blue-chip client. Well, we've done those before, and they took between 3 and 18 months depending on the scale. So we would quote the customer 3 months, giving all sorts of bullshit about advanced development methodologies empowering rapid development of the project. This guarantees us the contract, and that's what it's all about. We can prepare a project plan, but without proper requirements it's just a customer propaganda document. If the customer can't see that, then they deserve to be ripped off. Suckers!!"

Jimmy Smits, Web Designer, UK:
"Seven out of ten managers agree, the plan is more important than the requirements and should always be produced first. I only asked six managers though, so I'm not sure how I arrived at this result."

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