At a recent press conference in Monaco, F1 spokesperson Sally Ecclefire announced that there had been too many problems with unreliable F1 cars breaking down halfway through a race, "usually in the most awkward places to get recovery teams to." In 80% of cases the breakdown is due to a faulty gearbox.

"Under these high-stress conditions," Ecclefire explained, "the gearbox simply melts under the pressure."

The problem has been seen time and again, particularly with experimental cars from Ford/Jaguar and Arrows constantly pushing the envelope of machine endurance.

"Reliability has definitely been a problem." Ecclefire continued, "Therefore, we are planning to mandate the use of a more robust material to construct the gearboxes. After an extensive search of all the available materials, we have decided to use traditional Devonshire-cream toffee, with a 10% strawberry-fudge composite mixed in."

Team mechanics are said to be "thrilled" with the decision, and most are convinced that this will lead to greatly increased reliability for the 2002 season.

"It's great," veteran McLaren pit-mechanic Jimmy Smits told us. "Not only is it a much more durable material than the liquorice-balsa wood composite currently used, but in cases where the car breaks down in a remote part of the circuit, it gives the driver something nice to eat whilst waiting for the rescue teams to get there. This is very important for driver morale."

"I'm very pleased," cheery Ford/Jaguar driver Johnny Herbert enthused. "Formula One driving is a really hard endurance sport, and it does make you very hungry. Sometimes, when my car has spun off or broken down, and I'm sitting there in my cockpit waiting for a rescue team, all I can think about is my poor stomach growling. Everything else just sort of fades out."

"THIS is a VERY important development," British commentator Murray Walker agreed.

Leonard Riggs, Indoor Co-Cart Track Proprietor, Grimsby, UK:
"Hopefully we will see this sort of biting-edge technology trickle down to the consumer racing market as well. I could see toffee being extremely popular at the weekend corporate events that we cater for here. My son is going to be a Formula One driver when he grows up, you know. I've bought him the yacht in Monaco already, but he has to win his first go-cart race before he gets his grubby little mitts on it."

Lana Ricard, Programmer, NY:
"What on earth does this have to do with bad managers??"

Back to The Rumour Mill