Bad Managers - The Rumour Mill

This news came as a great relief to German website administrator Klaus Sorenads. He desperately needed his ISP to bring his dedicated web server back up. Sorenads could see from his end that the server had crashed, yet was powerless to act until he had successfully navigated the ISP's call center's bizarre and arbitrary maze of operations.

"Wombles and Fraggles"

"Their system it defies all logic," a flustered Sorenads explained to The Rumour Mill yesterday. "It is like, how you say, a randomly generated maze, with hidden traps and sudden deaths that force you to go back to start. And every time you call up, there is someone different to speak to."

Deep in the fetid bowels of The Hive, a World-domination plot is secretly unhatched (just like every other week)

Klaus had been trying to get through to a technician for almost 2 days. However, the seemingly impenetrable Call Center maze was much deeper than he had originally suspected. The process involved a quagmire of cryptic riddles and mysterious protocols, and mystifying responses along the lines of "Sorry, Mr X is not at his desk right now, may I inform Dr Y who will notify Captain Z, who will then ask his secretary to call you back to give you the security code that is needed? Then you may call us back and give us the code, and we can reboot the server from here. Is that okay?" He was also told that everything is fine, and there is not actually a problem, so he should try not to worry himself too much.

"Sweaty Palms"

This provided very little comfort though, because in the meantime his infamous Get Rich Quick! web portal was offline - kaput, dead as a doornail - until the server could be brought back up. He asked them to assure him that he would receive a call back in 5 minutes, as his website was losing in the region of DM1000 every millisecond until it was back up. He was immediately given due assurance. The call-center operator reportedly said "Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye".

However, thirty sweaty-palmed minutes later, a frantic Klaus called up the call center again, demanding to be given the direct number for one of the technicians. "Sorry sir, we cannot give those numbers out directly. However I could ask one of my colleagues to call you back to initiate the process that will get you a direct number. Shall I do that, Mr Gonads?" Angrily, Klaus told them not to bother, but just to get someone to call him as soon as possible so he could get his website back on-line.

"CRM-y Service"

The following morning, an irate Klaus phoned the call center again, demanding to know why no one had called him. He was told calmly that the incident had been closed at his request, and that he would have to start over, and could someone call him back to allocate him a brand spanking new incident tracking number?

Several weeks later, Klaus has still failed to navigate a safe path through the Call Center's minefield of spurious excuses, to reach the technicians at the other side. However, he has resolved not to change ISPs as he is determined to "strike gold". Like a mad old prospector who has been digging unsuccessfully for the last 40 years, Klaus Sorenads has embarked on what is just the beginning of a lifelong quest.

We at The Rumour Mill wish him luck in his new obsession.

Industry Feedback:

Toby Jugg, Junior Programmer, Chiswick, UK:
"Phew, could you give me the name of that ISP so I can avoid them. If I ever do my own ecommerce site, I'll be sure to get it hosted on one of the really big, really busy services. It's the only way to guarantee really good service and prompt replies, so my aunt tells me."

Lana Ricard, Unemployed dotcommer, NY:
"This is exactly why my employer went bust, you know. Nothing at all to do with a flawed business model. Anyway I'm waiting, out here on the street, for them to start up again so I can get my cubicle and nerf-gun back."