Extreme Programming gets Refactored

11 August 2001, 15:03 GMT

Nathan 'Dwayne' Nockson explains his Master Plan during a recent CNN interview

A fanatical group of XP zealots has become increasingly dissatisfied with the way that the XP "movement" is being run. The breakaway group, Heathen's Way, incorporates a radical methodology called Neo-XP, which has the original XP at its roots - but is much, much more extreme.

Heathen's Way is lead by ex-Survivalist Nathan 'Dwayne' Nockson. Dwayne (as he likes to be called) believes that XP should be much less about old-fashioned disciplines like programming and testing, and much more about blind devotion and cult worship.

"Pair Programming"

"People are not nearly fanatical enough about XP," Dwayne shouted at us in a recent telephone interview. "Sure, its devotees get very defensive and angry if you dare to criticise their new religion, but they don't go nearly far enough. And that makes me just want to spit!"

In fact, Dwayne is convinced that under the umbrella of Neo-XP, his new regime of self punishment, crowd jostling and drive-by shootings will "quell the unbelievers" once and for all.

"And I say unto you," he continues, "that the path of the righteous man is beset by the inequities of the selfish." He paused to slurp some of his tea, then continued: "...and the tyranny of evil men. And I will strike down on thee with great vengence and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my pair programmers, and you will know my name is The Lord when I lay my vengence upon thee."

"Ezekiel 25:17," he added, with a slightly embarrassed cough. "Pup Filching is my favourite film, you know."

"Risky Projects with Dynamic Requirements"

This reporter considered hanging up and hiding in the basement for a while. Luckily curiosity overcame my better judgement, so I asked Dwayne what the main differences are between XP and his Neo-XP.

"Risky projects with dynamic requirements are perfect for XP," he replied. "Trouble is, no one has satisfactorily explained what 'risky' really means. As it's open to interpretation, I firmly believe that it means 'life-threatening'. Any project that involves a risk of death, maiming or broken bones, is perfect for our new methodology."

"Rigorous Quota"

Another part of the original XP, which Dwayne recently had translated into Aramaic and buried in a cave ("just in case..."), tells its followers that they must "refactor mercilessly". Dwayne has taken this to extremes, and insists on at least three hundred "refactors" every day. Any programmer who falls short of this rigorous quota will be "horse-whipped mercilessly to within an inch of his miserable, snivelling little life", in full sight of the other office staff.

"You can never get too much of a good thing," Dwayne explained, the pitch of his voice rising constantly as he spoke, making him resemble a lightly possessed Dalek. "Our refactors involve knuckle-raps and Chinese burns. This is where Pair Programming comes into its own! No-one likes to inflict a Chinese burn on his or herself, so people do it in pairs. This causes resentment, so we move people around regularly."

Presumably, at some point in all this, some code actually gets written?

"Of course code gets written!" Dwayne shouted, suddenly sounding very defensive. "In fact I am personally responsible for gathering up all the code every thirty seconds, and beaming it up to the Mother Ship."

Isn't thirty seconds overdoing it slightly?

"Not at all," he admonished, "If something is good, do it all the time. All the time!!"

But even so, every thirty seconds..?

"Automated Testing"

"You are missing the point," he growled. "If we simply broadcast the code up to 'Big Momma' that often, then of course it would become a mournful dirge of disaster. But the key factor that you have missed, is that we test the entire application end to end every time we send the code up! That's right baby, every thirty seconds, the entire automated test schedule - regression tests, the works - gets run, analysed and sent up."

Blimey. Doesn't that amount to an awful lot of wasted time - reactive, repetitive, pointless?

"No, we feel that this is the future. You see, XP invented automated testing."

Well that's okay then. But I'm sure I've written some automated test harnesses in the past, and I wasn't testing the entire application end-to-end every thirty seconds - and I certainly wasn't practising XP! Or was I..?

"You probably were, my child. You see, XP invented life, and if you are alive then by definition you are one of us. Come to me, my son. Come to me..."

Does this mean I've been an XP-ite all this time, without even realising it? Wow, suddenly I feel so calm... my mind is slipping... I feel as if I can no longer think for myself... No hang on, that's just the Prozac.

>> Part Two: Fanatical XP Splinter Group Takes Cult to Extremes
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