Bad Managers - The Rumour Mill

11 August 2001, 15:04 GMT

<< Part One: Fanatical XP Splinter Group Takes Cult to Extremes

Nathan 'Dwayne' Nockson outlines his Master Plan during a recent CNN interview

One of the most controversial aspects of Dwayne's new cult is his extreme angle on Pair Programming. We asked Dwayne to tell us more:

"Sure, it feels awkward at first..."

"That's right!" Dwayne exclaimed. "We feel that if you have two programmers side by side for seven hours a day, then they can help each other out in all sorts of ways. For example, they can perform lap dances for each other. Our tests have shown this to increase both the quality of the code, and the overall productivity of both programmers. And with increased quality comes big savings later in the project. Sure, it feels awkward at first, but our programmers will grow to like it, else they will just have to find a job elsewhere."

And has Dwayne's cult really declared a Jihad on Fred Brooks?

"That's a vicious rumour which has no basis in our version of the facts," he replied. "I can neither confirm nor deny them tales that is just rumours. Anyway," he added, "we like tarpits!"

We asked Dwayne if he felt prepared to refute recent allegations that he had brainwashed his cult members.

"Hogwash!" he roared down the phone at us. "All my team are here because they have spoken to Perfection - that's our spiritual leader, who resides on the Mother Ship - and have truly seen the light.

At that point Dwayne's voice softened, and he explained - somewhat frankly:

"You see, Heathen's Way really provides a home for the lost and the feeble-minded. If somebody is unable to think for themselves - for example, if they really cannot program on their own; or if they have been accustomed to writing unmaintainable code - we empower them with the perfect excuse. We give them a reason to blame something else for their own shortcomings, and to join a community that will help to make them feel valuable once more. Say, would you like to join this club?"

Dwayne's plans for his cult are becoming increasingly extreme. In particular, when XP-ites talk about "executable designs", he has taken this a bit too literally. In fact he is now planning a spate of synchronised suicides which will involve all members of his Heathen's Way cult.

So hopefully the problem should go away then.